Magical Mothers

Well, I started this post weeks ago, but here it is.. :)
    In my subconscious mind... I've been waiting. Waiting for life to get easy. Waiting for the day when my eyes are bright with abundance of sleep. Waiting for the day when I don't have to shower at midnight (ok so maybe that is exaggerated, but barely!:). Waiting for the day when I am caught up with my work. When I can go to bed, close my eyes to a tidy house, at a decent hour. Waiting for the day when the baking is done. Waiting to sit on the couch in the quiet with my favorite magazine. Waiting until I remember every birthday of my extended dear ones. Waiting for the day when every meal looks like it popped out of Better Homes and Gardens magazine. Waiting until every snack for my children is nutritious. Waiting until I can craft cozy baskets full of cute Christmas goodies for all our dear friends.Waiting until I can be more like all the amazing mother's around me. Waiting to be a mother who has it "all together".
   I'm slowly awakening. This awakening is a bit of a lightening bolt. This is a mother's life. Mother's everywhere are going to bed with the crunch, crunch of cheerios under every step they make towards bed, on a floor just swept 2 hours ago.   T h i s    i s     l i f e.    I realize this life would come on more gradually for most. Most would have around 8-12 yrs to birth 4 children. Our home went from zero to four in 3 yrs and 9 mo. So yes, this is a bit sudden, but this is normal! And I have a friend who went from zero to three children ages 3,2, and 1 in one day and then I think of the mothers who have triplets...they have THREE BABIES! So no I'm not so special after all :). A mother must be very, very brave. I'm not very brave yet. She must love. She must laugh. She must smile a lot! She must do these things when she is tired. She must do these things when she is sad. She must give and give and give.
   I think about the brave mother's around me. The ones with candles burning in their kitchen, the ones setting the table with a simple yet yummy meal, the ones with fresh cookies in their freezer, the ones with clean clothes in the drawers, the ones with secure children and a happy husband... I'm beginning to realize this magical mother doesn't just happen. When the going gets tough, the tough get going! These mothers often get up early and many times work late. These mothers are tired much. Yet these mothers prioritize. These mothers organize. These mothers make menus. These mothers take control of their life, so life doesn't control them. These mothers smile! These mothers are brave! My New Year's resolution is to be a brave mother. Courage to all the brave mother's who read this!
   (I have more updates to write about, but I don't have time right now if I am to take my house into my hands and become a BRAVE mother!)  ("Prioritize, mother.")
  
   

Holding Time

The Lord does care and he does watch over his children. We were getting nowhere with Addie. Some days it felt like we were climbing and the next day we would fall in again. She would walk around with a fake face plastered on, bound up in her sadness. We did not know what to do anymore. Mostly we had just heaped on the love, which left us running (on tiptoe) circles around her. It was miserable.
    A couple weeks ago when everything was at it's worse we had a visit from an angel. I really believe that she was sent from God to help us. Anyways... an old friend of my sisters came to visit her parents who live here. She has 3 adopted children from out of the foster system. All of whom had quite severe attachment issues. I didn't go to church that morning, because of the stress we were in. My sis talked to her that morning and told me I should talk with her. I went to church that evening and sought her out. I unloaded. She understood. She said lots of things, encouraging words when my courage was zero. Then she told me to read the book Holding Time. Well, I had. I had tried it in the summer, but I had gotten no reaction or results, so I quit. Not completely, but we didn't do it with purpose. More to just show our love. She told me to try it again. So with confidence bolstered, Merlin and I, decided to do Holding Time every time she had a sad, masked face or emotional breakdown for no apparent reason. It's such a simple thing, this Holding Time. Just hold them firmly until they are soft, relaxed, and want to stay with you. It is not to punish, rather to give the child a safe place to unload emotion, whether it be anger or tears. Wrapped tight in mama's or daddy's arms they can cry, they can kick, they can yell, whatever, but held close to your breast tells them that you will get through this together. Many rejected children believe that you will reject them because of their behavior. This tells them "No, we will get through your pain together." But it is not a soft-cushy thing either. Children struggling with attachment or rejection NEED boundaries, even more than classic children. In learning to survive, they become champions at manipulation. The "coming together" for both parent and child at the end of the Holding Time is worth far more than gold. The love, the bond, the security, the confidence... It has changed our dear little girl. She still has her times, but we know what to do. The frustration of "not knowing what to do and seeing little progress" is beyond frustration. It's desperation.  We now have our confident, sassy, little sunshine back again the majority of the time. When she is "herself" she is the most wonderful, most amiable, and loving little girl. Oh, how we love her..
    No court dates set yet. Really haven't heard anything lately. Our GAL will have a visit with birth mom and her lawyer next week, which will be good.
   We are paying for agency's lawyer and were expecting to pay for birth mom's lawyer as well, but we weren't getting bills from him. They both are 2 of the best adoption lawyers in the state and they are not cheap. At this point we are not advised to hire a lawyer for us, but it is a high probability in the future. We wondered how we would pay for 3 lawyers, but one day at a time and today we are ok. (And if we ran into a bind, thanks to the generosity of our dear brothers and sisters in the Faith, we know we would have help, but I repeat, today we are ok and that is all we ask.) For a while we were just happy knowing that mysteriously we were not being billed. Finally my curiosity could not be suppressed and I asked SW WHO was paying for birth mom's lawyer. I knew birth mom wasn't. SW told me that our agency is paying for bmom's lawyer. Completely out of their kind heart. We probably will be expected to pay part of it yet sometime in the future, but it helps so much to have it spread out a bit.
     ... Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 
     Wherefore, if God clothe the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, shall He not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?
     ...for your Heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. Matthew 6:28-30,32

Make it hot tea..

     Ok, yes, I know many are wondering how Saturday went. It went good, I think. Our GAL arrived at 11:30. She interacted with the children for a while and then visited with us. She was nice, but she is a professional and one would never know what she was thinking. She had been to visit the contesting family the day before. At 1:30 we went to Dave's for lunch with our family. She left around 2:30 to head back to Denver. It felt rushed. The longer we were together, the more relaxed and comfortable we became and the more able to freely talk we became. However our SW said with many GAL's you are lucky to get 30 min. of their time, so we felt blessed that our GAL gave us 3 hours. She said we can call or skype if we have more questions or want to talk more. She told us it was obvious that the girls were strongly attached and were loved and cared for. She told us we were doing a wonderful job, to keep up the good work, and to try not to worry. (easier said than done) She also made it very clear that this was a very complicated case. That disheartened us.
     I don't recall ever feeling "old" in my life before. Saturday evening I felt old. It is the only word to describe how I felt. I kept watching the mirror waiting for my hair to turn silver. I was emotionally laden. I went to bed early, but was so wound I couldn't come close to sleep. Finally pent up emotion spilled out my eyes. Then when that was done, I could finally sleep.
    The last song we sang Sunday morning in church was A House Made of Clay by Rosa Henry. It was extra-ordinarily beautiful. A touch from Heaven and it made me weep. The last of my nerves-strung-tight letting loose.
  The Lord is building me a home that's eternal, in a land that's free from sin, there's no decay. He's coming soon to take me there, then these tears, this pain and care, I'll leave behind in this house made of clay. (A House Made Of Clay by Rosa Henry)
 This song has been inspiration to me all week.

 A dear friend penned these words of another song:

 I planned my life as tho I held tomorrow in my hands

But God could see much farther than I had ever planned

He saw the tears and broken hearts that were destined to be mine

So He taught me how to walk with Him

One step at a time.

 

I'm walking one step at a time

Tho the road ahead is narrow

One step, Lord, will do

As long as I feel Your hand close to mine.

Give me courage as a child feels

Taking one step from its mother

Jesus, I can make it by taking one step

One step at a time.

 

If we could see the valleys we must walk before we're home

We would dread the darkness and fear we'd walk alone

But He gives the sweet assurance there's not a mountain we can't climb

If we learn to climb it carefully

One step at a time. (I can't find who wrote it)

 

More of my friend's understanding words that meant so much:

"God knows and cares. Trust His Heart. 

 It's ok to cry as you sing when you're washing dishes.

I decided my children can write on my obituary that mother sang about Heaven a lot.

After all, THERE everything will be alright."

muffins??or coffee??or maybe hot tea??

The judge assigned a GAL. We were very worried about this as he/she will be a complete stranger to us and the case.  She won't decide the case, however she will give the judge a recommendation on where she thinks the girls should be. So really honestly she could make or break us. She will be visiting the contesting family as well. We had our first phone interview and I felt so confident after our conversation! She is a gray-haired Grandma (thankful she is not some new-age person!) and she is so nice. She told me that she is here to represent the best interest of the children. Her job is to make a decision she believes the children would make if they could. She will come for a visit on Saturday, November 16. She wants to interact with us as an immediate family for several hours in the morning and then she requested that we have lunch together with our local, extended family. I love my family and all the many children are so sweet and I just can't help but be confident that she will be favorably impressed (please do not take this that I am bragging). We are just a normal, stable, intact, Christian family who loves each other and loves our children. And that is getting rare in the world today. Needless to say my whole life is revolving around November 16! I am dreaming about what dress I will wear, what clothes the children will wear, how I will comb the girls' hair, if I will serve muffins, or maybe I will serve coffee, but what about hot tea??? etc... etc...!!! Please remember to pray for us that day. Pray that we will be calm and the children happy and healthy. Pray especially that Addie is "herself", her wonderful "self".
   Another interesting piece of info: Our agency/lawyer received a letter from a pastor of a church in the town where paternal family resides. I do not know much about what the letter said, but our lawyer said it was "gold" for our case. In a nutshell the letter stated that the children would not be safe with the paternal family. The letter was unsolicited and completely voluntary on the part of the pastor. So yes, we are on an UP on the adoption roller coaster! Thanking God!
   Still having some tumultuous times with Addie. Sometimes it is much better only to dip again into baffling tears. Tears and tears and tears. Tears with no explanation. At times it feels like walking on thin ice, never knowing when she is going to crack. It has been good for us to have to weigh every word or action on the gentleness scale. Yet it is important that she is "one of the bunch" and not treated "differently" or "more specially" than the others. It seems we keep getting more insight into her "triggers", but many times it is so random. It helps if I keep things as calm as possible, hold her a lot, NEVER hurry, ALWAYS be patient, be positive, positive, positive, set boundaries yet be lenient, etc..etc... Sometimes I look ahead to future days when we have the foundation of security with her that we have with the other children, days when she is not shaken by the slightest tremor and it feels like a far off dream. Someone made mention that every family has a barometer. She is our barometer, measuring the slightest stress or storm. Then I remember wishing in the early months that she would show her feelings. That she would have temper tantrums or meltdowns. She was SO easy. We thought maybe she was just extremely easy going and unaffected, but my gut told me it was not healthy for her to have been through the trauma of unfathomable loss and never show any feelings or emotion. So yes, now every emotion and feeling are worn on her sleeve. She obviously is able to trust us with her feelings now, which is a huge positive step. Hopefully someday we will find the middle of the road....

The Waiting Times

 The Waiting Times
It's good advice: enjoy the now.
Most days I do. Don't ask me how.
Today I find the task too much,
Their noise too loud, too close their touch.
I smile and do not show my teeth,
But waiting nags me underneath.
Some other, better, day, I'll wait
On bigger things, more truly great:
Heaven. Growth. Daybreak, perhaps,
But this warm morning stitched in scraps,
I wait. And wait
             for my children's naps.
(lines from a mother of preschoolers)
     -Sheila J Petre

This little poem has given me many a chuckles, especially the part about "do not show my teeth"! LOL :) I have more to write, but the "blessings" are calling! Have a great day, friends!

Climbing out...

I've posted a time or 2 in the last 3 wks, but never had time to write about the deep hole we've been in. Mostly to do with a dear little girl named Addie. She started crying around 3 weeks ago and did she ever stop? Yes, she did, but it feels like rarely. She cried when she had to take a nap.  She cried when she woke up from her nap. She cried when she ate food. She cried when she had to go potty. She cried when she couldn't get her sweater on. She cried when she couldn't get it off. She wanted me to hold her all day long. She often was in her own world. When she is in her own world she will mindlessly flip the pages of a book, never looking at the pictures, for long periods of time. When she is her normal secure self she rarely does this. Half of many of her nights were torn with nightmares (the nightmares had been gone for months). After I had tucked the children in one night I heard her crying. I went up to check and she was crying...weeping... tears in her sleep. It broke my  heart. Almost every meal she would cry because she wanted to lay on the couch. We would let her. One time she went to lay on the couch and then cried because she wanted to finish her toast. So she came back and ate some more toast. She ate a fraction of the food that she normally eats. We went back and forth: Is it psychological? Is it physical? Etc... At times I was convinced it was bladder infection, but she never had fever and said it didn't hurt. Marv was sure it was psychological. I wasn't convinced. We basically deleted anything "negative" in our day and made everything "positive, positive, positive". That's not as easy as it sounds when 4 little children need frequent direction and correction. We held and held and held and hugged and hugged and hugged. That's not as easy as it sounds either when you have a household to keep up with. Independent me needed some sanctifying. At times I found it hard to have patience with the crying constantly over nothing. But was it "nothing"????? We did not know. The "not knowing" was awful. Sometimes we thought she needed firmness. Sometimes we thought she needed leniency. Sometimes we thought she needed extra love, but then at times we thought she was using her emotions to "milk" us. (During this time Isabel started complaining of an earache. She would cry and cry because her "ear hurt". I tried all the home remedies I could think of and nothing really helped. Half the day she would play happily and part of the day cry because her ear hurt. Once again, never any fever and sometimes it seemed to "hurt" at opportune times. Such as supper time or while she was having a fight with one of her sibs, etc.. But she cried so real we really did not know!:) A mind dulling, ears wailing, head aching, brain swimming time. So we went to the Dr. last week. Isabel's ears were perfect and Addie had no sign of bladder infection or any other ailment. And really since then every day has been better and closer towards the "happy normal". We have a lot clearer direction and confidence in ourselves how to help her with it after we knew that it wasn't "physical". When I think back over the last 3 weeks I really believe that Addie was grieving her loss. The loss of the 'one' who had bore her and loved her the first crucial years of her life. Many people devalue the "breaking of that bond". It is no small thing. And then I ache when I think of all the children who endure much more than the "break". 
    "Why, Lord...? Why this broken world punched through with losses? How long, Lord? How long until every baby thrives and all children sleep down the hall from a mom and dad wrapped up in love...And he takes the empty hands and draws me close to the thrum of Love. God is always good and I am always loved" -Ann Voskamp. 
    Without fully realizing it we have probably been under stress the last while and birth mom has been under tremendous stress or maybe it was just Addie's time to grieve, I don't know. She has had difficult days the last 7 months, but never a really a long period of time (this felt like months). And I'm sure it's not done, just a positive step toward healing. I often blog after a difficult time, but it sure doesn't mean that it is always so difficult! I just like to keep track of these days in our life!

More Mountains

Gray granite mountains. I'm staggering. The mountains looming large ahead. I'm rocking my baby, my precious baby. (my "baby" who just started walking those adorable sweet hesitating faltering first baby steps!) My eyes streaming with salty tears. Her eyes closing in peaceful sleep. I send a text to a few of my friends to pray for me. I hold my Bible longing for comfort. It opens. My leaking eyes swoop and land on 2 verses underlined in bold many years ago and I read:
   He staggered not at the promise of God through unbelief: but was strong in faith, giving glory to God. 
   And being fully persuaded, that what he had promised, he was able also to perform. 
  -Romans 4:20-21
WHAT a promise! WHAT a comfort! Lord, I want to believe. I want to trust, but it is so hard. Lord, help me grasp hold of the Rock. It feels I'm slipping, slipping into the abyss of fear. I feel I'd (we'd) die if we lost these girls. My heart smashed in a million pieces lying on the ground. The fire feels hot.
   The fire is so hot and the blows are so hard. I cringe beneath your hammer Lord and cry, "It is too much." Haven't I been on the anvil long enough for you? Through my sobs I hear your voice, "Trust me Child, I know what's best. I'm making you tools, I'm molding you to be a tool in My hand.
  (- a beautiful song, but I cannot find who wrote it.)
   It wasn't that the email was so bad, but it sent me spinning on a downward spiral of fear. Now paternal Aunt (birth dad's sister) has also filed for intervener status and the judge awarded it. Basically that means that now Paternal Grandma and Paternal Aunt are both allowed in the case. Last week the judge denied Grandma's request for visiting rights and we were so thankful. However now she filed for visiting rights again and it just casts a dark cloud. Pray that he will deny again. We have been issued a GAL (guardian for the children) so she will be having visits with us on a regular basis. GAL's are professionals in psychology and child development. So she will be reporting to court how the children are bonding, thriving, growing, etc... I'm not so worried about that, but it is still scary to be watched.
  In the meantime, we hold a little longer, hugs are little tighter, snuggle a little more, and our prayers are a little heavier...