More Mountains

Gray granite mountains. I'm staggering. The mountains looming large ahead. I'm rocking my baby, my precious baby. (my "baby" who just started walking those adorable sweet hesitating faltering first baby steps!) My eyes streaming with salty tears. Her eyes closing in peaceful sleep. I send a text to a few of my friends to pray for me. I hold my Bible longing for comfort. It opens. My leaking eyes swoop and land on 2 verses underlined in bold many years ago and I read:
   He staggered not at the promise of God through unbelief: but was strong in faith, giving glory to God. 
   And being fully persuaded, that what he had promised, he was able also to perform. 
  -Romans 4:20-21
WHAT a promise! WHAT a comfort! Lord, I want to believe. I want to trust, but it is so hard. Lord, help me grasp hold of the Rock. It feels I'm slipping, slipping into the abyss of fear. I feel I'd (we'd) die if we lost these girls. My heart smashed in a million pieces lying on the ground. The fire feels hot.
   The fire is so hot and the blows are so hard. I cringe beneath your hammer Lord and cry, "It is too much." Haven't I been on the anvil long enough for you? Through my sobs I hear your voice, "Trust me Child, I know what's best. I'm making you tools, I'm molding you to be a tool in My hand.
  (- a beautiful song, but I cannot find who wrote it.)
   It wasn't that the email was so bad, but it sent me spinning on a downward spiral of fear. Now paternal Aunt (birth dad's sister) has also filed for intervener status and the judge awarded it. Basically that means that now Paternal Grandma and Paternal Aunt are both allowed in the case. Last week the judge denied Grandma's request for visiting rights and we were so thankful. However now she filed for visiting rights again and it just casts a dark cloud. Pray that he will deny again. We have been issued a GAL (guardian for the children) so she will be having visits with us on a regular basis. GAL's are professionals in psychology and child development. So she will be reporting to court how the children are bonding, thriving, growing, etc... I'm not so worried about that, but it is still scary to be watched.
  In the meantime, we hold a little longer, hugs are little tighter, snuggle a little more, and our prayers are a little heavier...