A dark cloud...

Paternal grandma has filed to court for parental rights to our two dear little girls. My worst fear. Last night I could not stop crying. I was terrified. Today I feel calmer. Thanks to people praying I know. Our social worker does not think she has a chance, except to make things messy, long and drawn out, and perhaps extremely costly.  Oh, to BELIEVE that. According to Colorado law, grandparents have no standing in court, but Grandma has hired a lawyer. At times I feel stiff with worry. Birth mom is terribly angry. Birth mom wants the girls with US, which is a huge plus. Satan has been attacking me with the "what ifs". I am struggling to trust. This thought came to me yesterday morning: Trust is a complete laying down of my will, a total surrender, as in Isaac laying on the altar trusting his father, even when it doesn't make sense. Even when what you want is not a 'bad' thing, I must trust. In trust there is rest. As my little girl with hazel eyes and brown hair cuddles on my lap.. I hold her close. I will enjoy "today".

Have I told you?

Have I told you all how much I love our children????? Have I told you about how sweet and grown up Oliver is? How he tells his little sisters that they "need to share" and to "say it nicely". How I smile when I take yet another pile of special rocks and sticks off the kitchen counter? Have I told you how Addie loves to sing Twinkle, twinkle little star with all her heart in key of dial tone ;)? Have I told you how she hugs me and says, "I love you, mama"?? How she says, "I wanna hold you mama".. How her big tears roll down her cheeks and melt my heart? Have I told you how passionate, sympathetic little Isabel holds Addie's hand and brings her to mama when Addie gets hurt and is crying?? How she is infatuated with bugs and "teeny things"??? How Addie and Oliver get big sticks for their guns, but Isabel finds a tiny stick and runs to mama and says, "A teeny gun, mama! A teeny gun!" Then they go huntin' bear... Have I told you how absolutely delightful baby Violet is? How she plays peek-a-boo but puts her hands over her ears instead of her eyes? How her laughter ripples and her eyes sparkle? How she says, "mamama" and "dadada" when she sees mama or daddy? And how I love rocking her to sleep? Have I told you how much I ENJOY my children? And how much I am enjoying my baby? I really want you all to know....

    Too often I go through my day struggling with frustration and impatience. I forget God. I forget to "look to the Hills, from whence cometh my Help". Why do I forget when there is Grace! There is Power! Why do I struggle along on my own looking down when ALL it takes is a look UP and He is THERE. And He fills my heart to overflowing... for the small dirty footprints going in and out the door and the pile of rocks in the corner. But if we never "forgot", never "bumbled" along on our own, would we ever realize our need of our Saviour? And the song resounds in my mind:

    Thank You for the valley I walked through today, the darker the valley the more I learn to pray... Thank You for every hill I climbed, for every time the sun didn't shine. Thank You for every lonely night, I prayed til I knew everything was alright and I thank You for the valley I walked through today. -Dottie Rambo 
    And then...do I know anything about "valleys"? As I write the monthly update to the birth mom of our 2 newest girls, my heart aches. She knows "valleys". I want her to know they are happy and thriving, but what do you write? As I write how Violet says "mamama" and "dadada" I hurt, because I know she hurts. She wants to know they are bonding, growing, doing new things, but oh the sacrifice, the pain. Her face in her pillow, her body racked with sobs. I cry for her. Someone else is watching them grow, someone else is "mama". My arms are full, her arms are empty. I rejoice, she grieves. The loss is unfathomable. Friends, please sigh a prayer for her.

   And yet another whom I hurt for. How can she bear it? She is facing probably the darkest valley of her life. She has 4 beautiful children all under 6 yrs old. She is around my age. Her husband was the same age as Merlin. He's gone. She's still here. She's answering the unending questions of her 4 yr old. She's trying to explain Heaven to her 6 yr. old. She weeps as she rocks her baby knowing he will never know his daddy. Her 2 yr old wonders why mama is always crying. She wonders how life can continue. Her husband was one of 19 firefighters who died fighting a wildfire. Pray for her, too and the other aching hearts....