Well, I started this post weeks ago, but here it is.. :)
In my subconscious mind... I've been waiting. Waiting for life to get easy. Waiting for the day when my eyes are bright with abundance of sleep. Waiting for the day when I don't have to shower at midnight (ok so maybe that is exaggerated, but barely!:). Waiting for the day when I am caught up with my work. When I can go to bed, close my eyes to a tidy house, at a decent hour. Waiting for the day when the baking is done. Waiting to sit on the couch in the quiet with my favorite magazine. Waiting until I remember every birthday of my extended dear ones. Waiting for the day when every meal looks like it popped out of Better Homes and Gardens magazine. Waiting until every snack for my children is nutritious. Waiting until I can craft cozy baskets full of cute Christmas goodies for all our dear friends.Waiting until I can be more like all the amazing mother's around me. Waiting to be a mother who has it "all together".
I'm slowly awakening. This awakening is a bit of a lightening bolt. This is a mother's life. Mother's everywhere are going to bed with the crunch, crunch of cheerios under every step they make towards bed, on a floor just swept 2 hours ago. T h i s i s l i f e. I realize this life would come on more gradually for most. Most would have around 8-12 yrs to birth 4 children. Our home went from zero to four in 3 yrs and 9 mo. So yes, this is a bit sudden, but this is normal! And I have a friend who went from zero to three children ages 3,2, and 1 in one day and then I think of the mothers who have triplets...they have THREE BABIES! So no I'm not so special after all :). A mother must be very, very brave. I'm not very brave yet. She must love. She must laugh. She must smile a lot! She must do these things when she is tired. She must do these things when she is sad. She must give and give and give.
I think about the brave mother's around me. The ones with candles burning in their kitchen, the ones setting the table with a simple yet yummy meal, the ones with fresh cookies in their freezer, the ones with clean clothes in the drawers, the ones with secure children and a happy husband... I'm beginning to realize this magical mother doesn't just happen. When the going gets tough, the tough get going! These mothers often get up early and many times work late. These mothers are tired much. Yet these mothers prioritize. These mothers organize. These mothers make menus. These mothers take control of their life, so life doesn't control them. These mothers smile! These mothers are brave! My New Year's resolution is to be a brave mother. Courage to all the brave mother's who read this!
(I have more updates to write about, but I don't have time right now if I am to take my house into my hands and become a BRAVE mother!) ("Prioritize, mother.")
Friday, December 27, 2013
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Holding Time
The Lord does care and he does watch over his children. We were getting nowhere with Addie. Some days it felt like we were climbing and the next day we would fall in again. She would walk around with a fake face plastered on, bound up in her sadness. We did not know what to do anymore. Mostly we had just heaped on the love, which left us running (on tiptoe) circles around her. It was miserable.
A couple weeks ago when everything was at it's worse we had a visit from an angel. I really believe that she was sent from God to help us. Anyways... an old friend of my sisters came to visit her parents who live here. She has 3 adopted children from out of the foster system. All of whom had quite severe attachment issues. I didn't go to church that morning, because of the stress we were in. My sis talked to her that morning and told me I should talk with her. I went to church that evening and sought her out. I unloaded. She understood. She said lots of things, encouraging words when my courage was zero. Then she told me to read the book Holding Time. Well, I had. I had tried it in the summer, but I had gotten no reaction or results, so I quit. Not completely, but we didn't do it with purpose. More to just show our love. She told me to try it again. So with confidence bolstered, Merlin and I, decided to do Holding Time every time she had a sad, masked face or emotional breakdown for no apparent reason. It's such a simple thing, this Holding Time. Just hold them firmly until they are soft, relaxed, and want to stay with you. It is not to punish, rather to give the child a safe place to unload emotion, whether it be anger or tears. Wrapped tight in mama's or daddy's arms they can cry, they can kick, they can yell, whatever, but held close to your breast tells them that you will get through this together. Many rejected children believe that you will reject them because of their behavior. This tells them "No, we will get through your pain together." But it is not a soft-cushy thing either. Children struggling with attachment or rejection NEED boundaries, even more than classic children. In learning to survive, they become champions at manipulation. The "coming together" for both parent and child at the end of the Holding Time is worth far more than gold. The love, the bond, the security, the confidence... It has changed our dear little girl. She still has her times, but we know what to do. The frustration of "not knowing what to do and seeing little progress" is beyond frustration. It's desperation. We now have our confident, sassy, little sunshine back again the majority of the time. When she is "herself" she is the most wonderful, most amiable, and loving little girl. Oh, how we love her..
No court dates set yet. Really haven't heard anything lately. Our GAL will have a visit with birth mom and her lawyer next week, which will be good.
We are paying for agency's lawyer and were expecting to pay for birth mom's lawyer as well, but we weren't getting bills from him. They both are 2 of the best adoption lawyers in the state and they are not cheap. At this point we are not advised to hire a lawyer for us, but it is a high probability in the future. We wondered how we would pay for 3 lawyers, but one day at a time and today we are ok. (And if we ran into a bind, thanks to the generosity of our dear brothers and sisters in the Faith, we know we would have help, but I repeat, today we are ok and that is all we ask.) For a while we were just happy knowing that mysteriously we were not being billed. Finally my curiosity could not be suppressed and I asked SW WHO was paying for birth mom's lawyer. I knew birth mom wasn't. SW told me that our agency is paying for bmom's lawyer. Completely out of their kind heart. We probably will be expected to pay part of it yet sometime in the future, but it helps so much to have it spread out a bit.
... Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
Wherefore, if God clothe the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, shall He not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?
...for your Heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. Matthew 6:28-30,32
A couple weeks ago when everything was at it's worse we had a visit from an angel. I really believe that she was sent from God to help us. Anyways... an old friend of my sisters came to visit her parents who live here. She has 3 adopted children from out of the foster system. All of whom had quite severe attachment issues. I didn't go to church that morning, because of the stress we were in. My sis talked to her that morning and told me I should talk with her. I went to church that evening and sought her out. I unloaded. She understood. She said lots of things, encouraging words when my courage was zero. Then she told me to read the book Holding Time. Well, I had. I had tried it in the summer, but I had gotten no reaction or results, so I quit. Not completely, but we didn't do it with purpose. More to just show our love. She told me to try it again. So with confidence bolstered, Merlin and I, decided to do Holding Time every time she had a sad, masked face or emotional breakdown for no apparent reason. It's such a simple thing, this Holding Time. Just hold them firmly until they are soft, relaxed, and want to stay with you. It is not to punish, rather to give the child a safe place to unload emotion, whether it be anger or tears. Wrapped tight in mama's or daddy's arms they can cry, they can kick, they can yell, whatever, but held close to your breast tells them that you will get through this together. Many rejected children believe that you will reject them because of their behavior. This tells them "No, we will get through your pain together." But it is not a soft-cushy thing either. Children struggling with attachment or rejection NEED boundaries, even more than classic children. In learning to survive, they become champions at manipulation. The "coming together" for both parent and child at the end of the Holding Time is worth far more than gold. The love, the bond, the security, the confidence... It has changed our dear little girl. She still has her times, but we know what to do. The frustration of "not knowing what to do and seeing little progress" is beyond frustration. It's desperation. We now have our confident, sassy, little sunshine back again the majority of the time. When she is "herself" she is the most wonderful, most amiable, and loving little girl. Oh, how we love her..
No court dates set yet. Really haven't heard anything lately. Our GAL will have a visit with birth mom and her lawyer next week, which will be good.
We are paying for agency's lawyer and were expecting to pay for birth mom's lawyer as well, but we weren't getting bills from him. They both are 2 of the best adoption lawyers in the state and they are not cheap. At this point we are not advised to hire a lawyer for us, but it is a high probability in the future. We wondered how we would pay for 3 lawyers, but one day at a time and today we are ok. (And if we ran into a bind, thanks to the generosity of our dear brothers and sisters in the Faith, we know we would have help, but I repeat, today we are ok and that is all we ask.) For a while we were just happy knowing that mysteriously we were not being billed. Finally my curiosity could not be suppressed and I asked SW WHO was paying for birth mom's lawyer. I knew birth mom wasn't. SW told me that our agency is paying for bmom's lawyer. Completely out of their kind heart. We probably will be expected to pay part of it yet sometime in the future, but it helps so much to have it spread out a bit.
... Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
Wherefore, if God clothe the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, shall He not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?
...for your Heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. Matthew 6:28-30,32
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