GUESS WHAT?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Grandma and Aunt are DROPPING THE CASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Our little girls get to stay with us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I could just SSSSSCCCCRRRRREEEEAAAAAMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU, GOD!!!!!!!!!
Ok, ok, it is not a "done deal" yet. It is what they SAID they are going to do, but it has not been DONE yet. Birthdad may still object, tho it's highly unlikely. We still have a few hurdles to jump, but I have not felt this YOUNG and LIGHTHEARTED in months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The sky is BLUE!!!!!!!!!
The mountains PURPLE!!!!!!!!
The snow is WHITE!!!!!!!!
The air is CALM!!!!!!!!!
My brain is CLEAR!!!!!!!!
My shoulders SQUARE!!!!!!!!
My feet do SKIP!!!!!!!!!!!
My eyes are BRIGHT!!!!!!!!!
My heart is LIGHT!!!!!!!
Truly God delights in.....
lighting up the dark and cleaning up the mess. Truly God delights in turning Mountains into Rainbows!
Thank you, thank you, thank you Father.........
(I have so many more exclamation points on my heart, but I simply do not have any more time. Maybe some other month :)
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Friday, January 17, 2014
The Mediation
So Wednesday afternoon came and with it a call from our attorney. The GAL's report and attachment expert's affidavit were filed on Tuesday. Both of them 100% positive for the girls staying with US! Thanking God. Anyways.. our attorney had talked to the mediator for the mediation set for Thursday. The mediator told him that the court room did not have access for phone attendance. The mediator had talked to paternal grandma's attorney and she gave some hope of actually mediating. So our attorney thought it may be worth our resources to actually be there in attendance. So we pulled out at 10am Thursday morning. Mom and Dad and Caddie came along. (they just hung out around town, while we were in the meeting)
WHAT a day. We got there at 1. The mediation started at 1:30. It was Marv and I and our attorney, paternal grandma, paternal aunt and uncle, their attorney, birthdad's attorney, birthmom's attorney and the mediator. First birthdad said his testimony from prison by phone. Then Merlin told them about our lives and how the girls were doing. I told them about the day the girls came to live with us. Then uncle and aunt and grandma talked about their lives and frustrations. Basically after the GAL's report and attachment expert's report were filed the handwriting is on the wall that if this goes to trial the girls are headed our way. The discussion was not IF the girls go to us, it was WHEN they do can paternal family be involved in their lives and to what extent. A huge relief. And we welcome them into our lives as long as it is in the best interest of the girls. In the first hour Uncle said, "We did not know you, but frankly we are very impressed." Amazing. Not about us, but about your prayers. Grandma told me smiling that I reminded her SO much of birthmom and how she remembered Violet to look was just like me. We hear that all the time, however it was amazing coming from her. They also affirmed they have no resentment towards us.
However we still are caught somewhat in the middle as when birthmom made her decision to relinquish, for her daughters' sake she wanted no confusion for them and so she chose no contact with us. A massive sacrifice. So for the sake of no confusion for her dear girls she voluntarily cuts "herself" out of their lives. Birthmom herself was put in the foster system at 5 yrs old and adopted at 10 yrs old. She is an intelligent and wise person who put months of thought and prayer into her decision to place her girls. NOW paternal grandma and paternal aunt want contact, visits, etc... This is very hard for birthmom. Her wish would be that all bio family be "out of the girls' lives" until they are older. I see her point and we highly respect her and her voluntary sacrifice. Tho we've never met, we love her. My mother heart and her mother heart are locked together forever and I/we feel strong allegiance to her and her wishes. However we see grandma's and aunt's side, too. I feel for them. They feel birthmom, the birthmom we love, hi-jacked them from their grandchildren. And honestly, the elephant in the room all day was both of grandma's sons are registered offenders for crimes involving children. Neither of them are able to be in any contact with children under 18 until they complete years of treatment. Really it is not birthmom who hi-jacked them, but grandma's own son. She could never admit that, but she is terribly hurt and resentful. I truly feel for her. I feel for birthdad, too. We have no respect for his offenses, however we do have respect for him as a person.
So anyways... we proposed that we were open to contact with paternal grandma and aunt. To what extent we made no promises. Colorado is not an "open" adoption state as in "open" adoption is not recognized. No matter what agreements you make, after the adoption is final, nothing is enforceable by law. They would like something enforceable, which isn't going to happen. Our attorney told them that trials destroy relationships. If this goes to trial, not only will they most likely lose, however they will destroy any relationships that are starting to build. They are worried we will agree to contact now, but then disappear after the adoption is finalized. We assured them that will not happen. They are part of our girls' identity. As long as it in the best interest of our girls and we have the support of birthmom we would love to maintain contact. Now it is up to them if they are going to take the leap of faith and trust us or fight on. We made positive steps toward the trust that needs to be built today and all in all it was a good stressful day! :) We didn't walk out until the sheriff was turning off the lights at 5pm. I felt very calm during the whole meeting, but when we got out I couldn't keep my teeth from chattering and my hands from shaking. :)
WHAT a day. We got there at 1. The mediation started at 1:30. It was Marv and I and our attorney, paternal grandma, paternal aunt and uncle, their attorney, birthdad's attorney, birthmom's attorney and the mediator. First birthdad said his testimony from prison by phone. Then Merlin told them about our lives and how the girls were doing. I told them about the day the girls came to live with us. Then uncle and aunt and grandma talked about their lives and frustrations. Basically after the GAL's report and attachment expert's report were filed the handwriting is on the wall that if this goes to trial the girls are headed our way. The discussion was not IF the girls go to us, it was WHEN they do can paternal family be involved in their lives and to what extent. A huge relief. And we welcome them into our lives as long as it is in the best interest of the girls. In the first hour Uncle said, "We did not know you, but frankly we are very impressed." Amazing. Not about us, but about your prayers. Grandma told me smiling that I reminded her SO much of birthmom and how she remembered Violet to look was just like me. We hear that all the time, however it was amazing coming from her. They also affirmed they have no resentment towards us.
However we still are caught somewhat in the middle as when birthmom made her decision to relinquish, for her daughters' sake she wanted no confusion for them and so she chose no contact with us. A massive sacrifice. So for the sake of no confusion for her dear girls she voluntarily cuts "herself" out of their lives. Birthmom herself was put in the foster system at 5 yrs old and adopted at 10 yrs old. She is an intelligent and wise person who put months of thought and prayer into her decision to place her girls. NOW paternal grandma and paternal aunt want contact, visits, etc... This is very hard for birthmom. Her wish would be that all bio family be "out of the girls' lives" until they are older. I see her point and we highly respect her and her voluntary sacrifice. Tho we've never met, we love her. My mother heart and her mother heart are locked together forever and I/we feel strong allegiance to her and her wishes. However we see grandma's and aunt's side, too. I feel for them. They feel birthmom, the birthmom we love, hi-jacked them from their grandchildren. And honestly, the elephant in the room all day was both of grandma's sons are registered offenders for crimes involving children. Neither of them are able to be in any contact with children under 18 until they complete years of treatment. Really it is not birthmom who hi-jacked them, but grandma's own son. She could never admit that, but she is terribly hurt and resentful. I truly feel for her. I feel for birthdad, too. We have no respect for his offenses, however we do have respect for him as a person.
So anyways... we proposed that we were open to contact with paternal grandma and aunt. To what extent we made no promises. Colorado is not an "open" adoption state as in "open" adoption is not recognized. No matter what agreements you make, after the adoption is final, nothing is enforceable by law. They would like something enforceable, which isn't going to happen. Our attorney told them that trials destroy relationships. If this goes to trial, not only will they most likely lose, however they will destroy any relationships that are starting to build. They are worried we will agree to contact now, but then disappear after the adoption is finalized. We assured them that will not happen. They are part of our girls' identity. As long as it in the best interest of our girls and we have the support of birthmom we would love to maintain contact. Now it is up to them if they are going to take the leap of faith and trust us or fight on. We made positive steps toward the trust that needs to be built today and all in all it was a good stressful day! :) We didn't walk out until the sheriff was turning off the lights at 5pm. I felt very calm during the whole meeting, but when we got out I couldn't keep my teeth from chattering and my hands from shaking. :)
Sunday, January 12, 2014
In the middle of a mess...
I had a wonderful phone visit with the attachment expert. Before she hung up she said, "I feel the children are very lucky to be in your home." (But actually we are the lucky ones to have them in our home) Anyways..words of gold from someone who will be prominent in the L county case. Our attorney says attachment is at the core of the case. It is a well-known fact that children with too many disruptions struggle with relationships all their life. Permanency is vital for children to thrive. Our GAL is extremely positive towards us as well. We have been encouraged (and sleeping :) this last week.
Now this: Breathe in... Breathe out... Breathe in... I talked to our attorney on Wednesday. He wondered if we knew anything about the case in F county? No, we didn't. Our girls' case is in L county. Birth dad filed for divorce in F county. So the divorce case is in F county. A divorce case includes the children. Grandma filed for custody in L county and F county. The GAL, attachment expert, all professionals with whom we have a positive relationship with, are parties of the L county case. The judge in F county could give custody over to grandma with no one else involved. Could this truly happen? Our attorney says it "shouldn't" but it "could". Needless to say, hearing this impaled our hearts. And once again we were sent spiraling down the fear tunnel... breathe out.. breathe in.. breathe out...
So we went to Denver on Friday to have a meeting with our attorney and a visit with the attachment expert. In the past no one has been responsible to keep us informed and up to date, which is the reason why we were never informed about the F county case. It was up to us to glean information where ever we could and we kind of got lost in the cracks. Now that we have an attorney we are learning a lot. Let me say this that we both believe we have the nicest, kindest attorney around. He is amazing. I'll try to put it in a nutshell the most important things we learned.
Yes, we learned about this F county case, which involves our girls. This case does worry him, because... as kind as he is, to put it into his words, Grandma's attorney is a nutcase. He said more, but I'll stop there. And he is not the only attorney to have that opinion about her, unfortunately. He also does not know the judge in F county. So no, he doesn't want to freak us out (which he did already) but the F county case is a concern. We will be entering that case as intervenors on Mon..
The next issue is, and our attorney says it is really the only legitimate argument the other side has, is this: So birthmom signed a placement agreement with the agency who in turn placed the children with us. However birth mom was not the sole legal parent and so did she have a right to do that? So is the placement agreement even valid? However beings birthdad was/is incarcerated and she felt unable to parent what option did she have? But it's part of the "other" side's argument.
The F county judge ordered a mediation trial for this Thursday. At this time we and our attorney are planning to attend by phone. A mediation trial is typical in a divorce case. A judge orders them to try to mediate and by that I mean come to an agreement on who gets the lawn mower, the dog, etc... If they can't mediate, then it goes to trial. And yes, the children, our little girls, will be discussed at the mediation trial. Just praying that F county judge doesn't do something crazy. He "shouldn't" but he "could". Please help us pray.
The termination and relinquishment L county trial is still set for Jan. 30 and 31. The judge has not said if he will be addressing placement at that trial or not. We've never been in a court room in our lives. We will need to testify. The other side will be allowed to question us. Terrifying to this country girl. One more reason why we need an attorney. To help these country bumpkins be somewhat educated and prepared for trial.
So here we are. Can you believe it, dear diary, in the middle of this mess?
When you come to the edge of all the light you know, and are about to step off into the Darkness of the Unknown, FAITH is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly. -Barbara J. Winter (one of my favorite verses)
The day our home was filled with these 2 little girls was a day we stepped off into the Darkness of the Unknown. We knew nothing about them, but we both knew in our hearts that it was right. We are being taught how to fly. Have you ever learned how to fly? It's not easy. You crash sometimes and it hurts. Really bad. Sometimes your scared when you look at the ground. Then you look up at your Maker. You swoop up and the mountain below disappears. You look down and plummet.
My sister texted me this verse on Friday and it meant the world to me...
Thou art the Lord who slept upon the pillow,
Thou art the Lord who soothed the furious sea,
What matter beating wind and tossing billow
If only we are in the boat with Thee?
Hold us in quiet through the age-long minute
While Thou art silent, and the wind is shrill:
Can the boat sink while Thou, dear Lord, art in it?
Can the heart faint that waiteth on Thy will?
-Amy Carmichael
We will never question the decision we made to give our hearts to these little girls. Never. Don't think it was charity. Taking a needy child into your heart and your home is not charity. It is simply giving them what is rightfully theirs in the first place. For some reason the Lord wants us right here. Right in the middle of all this crazy mess. With the risk of our heart being torn in two any day. But dear friends, dear diary, whoever you are... If the King wants us here, where else would we want to be? As we were driving home Friday night my mind went back over the last 10 mo.. Step after step, decision after decision, promise after promise, prayer after prayer, He has been there. He has touched. He wants us here. He is leading the way. He gives strength. He gives joy! Many days he even numbs so I really can't even think about it or feel the stress, but instead just live a normal day.
Last night I prayed, "Lord, I need another touch. The road ahead looks so long. The mountains big. Please, Lord". But in my mind I thought: "Probably not this time. He doesn't just give you a touch whenever and where ever you need it. Probably not tonight." So I opened my Sunday School book and read the lesson, uninspired. Then it happened. Just before I was going to close my SS book my eyes landed directly on the key verse for the next lesson:
The Lord is on my side; I will not fear: what can man do unto me? Psalms 118:6.
I wanted to cry. So unworthy. So dirty. So full of 'me'. Yet again and again He touches. He touches me, little me. Not that I know what these touches all mean, except that He's here and He cares.
I feel no malice towards grandma or birth dad. Rather I feel sorry for them and really I even love them. We are not fighting them, rather we are caught in the middle of their fight with birthmom. I love birthmom, too. How I love her! I'd like to wrap my arms around her and tell her.. her worth. How Jesus died for her. And no, we don't even know her. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't been here, how deeply you can love the ones who bore your children, your precious children. The gift they gave! If grandma could just prove that she was a respectful person we would gladly have a relationship with her, but everything she does points otherwise. Maybe that will change, one never knows. How I wish it would. Then again if she was a person who was making right choices in life, birthmom would have placed the girls with her in the first place. It's such a mixed-up feeling. How someone's tragic loss is your greatest gain. How their messed-up life gives you a priceless treasure.
O Lord Jesus, somehow in the middle of this mess help us shine, help us touch, help us point to you, The Healer.
Now this: Breathe in... Breathe out... Breathe in... I talked to our attorney on Wednesday. He wondered if we knew anything about the case in F county? No, we didn't. Our girls' case is in L county. Birth dad filed for divorce in F county. So the divorce case is in F county. A divorce case includes the children. Grandma filed for custody in L county and F county. The GAL, attachment expert, all professionals with whom we have a positive relationship with, are parties of the L county case. The judge in F county could give custody over to grandma with no one else involved. Could this truly happen? Our attorney says it "shouldn't" but it "could". Needless to say, hearing this impaled our hearts. And once again we were sent spiraling down the fear tunnel... breathe out.. breathe in.. breathe out...
So we went to Denver on Friday to have a meeting with our attorney and a visit with the attachment expert. In the past no one has been responsible to keep us informed and up to date, which is the reason why we were never informed about the F county case. It was up to us to glean information where ever we could and we kind of got lost in the cracks. Now that we have an attorney we are learning a lot. Let me say this that we both believe we have the nicest, kindest attorney around. He is amazing. I'll try to put it in a nutshell the most important things we learned.
Yes, we learned about this F county case, which involves our girls. This case does worry him, because... as kind as he is, to put it into his words, Grandma's attorney is a nutcase. He said more, but I'll stop there. And he is not the only attorney to have that opinion about her, unfortunately. He also does not know the judge in F county. So no, he doesn't want to freak us out (which he did already) but the F county case is a concern. We will be entering that case as intervenors on Mon..
The next issue is, and our attorney says it is really the only legitimate argument the other side has, is this: So birthmom signed a placement agreement with the agency who in turn placed the children with us. However birth mom was not the sole legal parent and so did she have a right to do that? So is the placement agreement even valid? However beings birthdad was/is incarcerated and she felt unable to parent what option did she have? But it's part of the "other" side's argument.
The F county judge ordered a mediation trial for this Thursday. At this time we and our attorney are planning to attend by phone. A mediation trial is typical in a divorce case. A judge orders them to try to mediate and by that I mean come to an agreement on who gets the lawn mower, the dog, etc... If they can't mediate, then it goes to trial. And yes, the children, our little girls, will be discussed at the mediation trial. Just praying that F county judge doesn't do something crazy. He "shouldn't" but he "could". Please help us pray.
The termination and relinquishment L county trial is still set for Jan. 30 and 31. The judge has not said if he will be addressing placement at that trial or not. We've never been in a court room in our lives. We will need to testify. The other side will be allowed to question us. Terrifying to this country girl. One more reason why we need an attorney. To help these country bumpkins be somewhat educated and prepared for trial.
So here we are. Can you believe it, dear diary, in the middle of this mess?
When you come to the edge of all the light you know, and are about to step off into the Darkness of the Unknown, FAITH is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly. -Barbara J. Winter (one of my favorite verses)
The day our home was filled with these 2 little girls was a day we stepped off into the Darkness of the Unknown. We knew nothing about them, but we both knew in our hearts that it was right. We are being taught how to fly. Have you ever learned how to fly? It's not easy. You crash sometimes and it hurts. Really bad. Sometimes your scared when you look at the ground. Then you look up at your Maker. You swoop up and the mountain below disappears. You look down and plummet.
My sister texted me this verse on Friday and it meant the world to me...
Thou art the Lord who slept upon the pillow,
Thou art the Lord who soothed the furious sea,
What matter beating wind and tossing billow
If only we are in the boat with Thee?
Hold us in quiet through the age-long minute
While Thou art silent, and the wind is shrill:
Can the boat sink while Thou, dear Lord, art in it?
Can the heart faint that waiteth on Thy will?
-Amy Carmichael
We will never question the decision we made to give our hearts to these little girls. Never. Don't think it was charity. Taking a needy child into your heart and your home is not charity. It is simply giving them what is rightfully theirs in the first place. For some reason the Lord wants us right here. Right in the middle of all this crazy mess. With the risk of our heart being torn in two any day. But dear friends, dear diary, whoever you are... If the King wants us here, where else would we want to be? As we were driving home Friday night my mind went back over the last 10 mo.. Step after step, decision after decision, promise after promise, prayer after prayer, He has been there. He has touched. He wants us here. He is leading the way. He gives strength. He gives joy! Many days he even numbs so I really can't even think about it or feel the stress, but instead just live a normal day.
Last night I prayed, "Lord, I need another touch. The road ahead looks so long. The mountains big. Please, Lord". But in my mind I thought: "Probably not this time. He doesn't just give you a touch whenever and where ever you need it. Probably not tonight." So I opened my Sunday School book and read the lesson, uninspired. Then it happened. Just before I was going to close my SS book my eyes landed directly on the key verse for the next lesson:
The Lord is on my side; I will not fear: what can man do unto me? Psalms 118:6.
I wanted to cry. So unworthy. So dirty. So full of 'me'. Yet again and again He touches. He touches me, little me. Not that I know what these touches all mean, except that He's here and He cares.
I feel no malice towards grandma or birth dad. Rather I feel sorry for them and really I even love them. We are not fighting them, rather we are caught in the middle of their fight with birthmom. I love birthmom, too. How I love her! I'd like to wrap my arms around her and tell her.. her worth. How Jesus died for her. And no, we don't even know her. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't been here, how deeply you can love the ones who bore your children, your precious children. The gift they gave! If grandma could just prove that she was a respectful person we would gladly have a relationship with her, but everything she does points otherwise. Maybe that will change, one never knows. How I wish it would. Then again if she was a person who was making right choices in life, birthmom would have placed the girls with her in the first place. It's such a mixed-up feeling. How someone's tragic loss is your greatest gain. How their messed-up life gives you a priceless treasure.
O Lord Jesus, somehow in the middle of this mess help us shine, help us touch, help us point to you, The Healer.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Sleepless nights
So... once again I can't sleep. I am sipping warm milk (raw and fresh
from my nieces' sweet ole Jersey cow) with honey hoping that sleep
comes slipping over me as my fingers fly across the keys. Once again, my
head is too full, so I'm gonna empty it here. It's a rare night when
sleep eludes this girl and it's been happening too often as of late. I
suppose it's stress. Deep, mountain on my heart, stress.
Tuesday, Dec. 17 we had a conference call with all the parties of the case. Four attorneys and then us. Let me explain just who is part of the case. Birth mom has an attorney representing her. Agency has an attorney representing them. We communicate with these two attorneys much, tho they are not representing us, their goal is to keep the girls with us. Then paternal grandma has an attorney representing her. Birth dad has an attorney representing him. So far we are just a party pro se (unrepresented). The talk was a lot of litigation garble with large words and demands and objections. What unnerved me was the children they referred to again and again were my little girls. MY little girls totally oblivious to the turmoil around. I can hardly bear it.
January 30 and 31 will be the trial to address birth dad's termination of parental rights and birth mom's relinquishment of parental rights. We found out on the conference call that the judge may be addressing placement, too. And if he does address placement, we will find out where the girls will go, on Jan. 31. Suddenly we have a "maybe" date. We will need to be there. We will need to testify. Grandma will be there. Supposedly Grandma is bringing 40 witnesses. Birth mom will be there. Social workers. An attachment therapist. Six lawyers. All for the little lives of our little girls. It feels like some nightmare that I will surely wake up and say, "Whew, sure glad that dream wasn't real." But it is. However I do want to make it clear that it is NOT for sure that placement will be addressed on Jan. 30 and 31. We will be having a status conference with the judge on Mon. the 5th and should find out then. As long as you don't have a date, you can kind of push it off into the future and try to forget the litigation that's going on around you. Suddenly there is a "maybe" date and your whole world slaps you in the face and says, "Wake up. This is real." We felt that now was the time to hire our own attorney. The other attorneys whom we communicate with agreed. They gave a recommendation. We had a phone interview with Tim on Fri. the 20th. We were impressed. Let me tell you, friends, adoption attorneys are amazing (at least the ones we've worked with). They do not waste one word. They explain things simply yet thoroughly. They are professional yet compassionate. We have high respect for adoption attorneys. Tho Merlin still doesn't know what makes them so special that they can charge $250 per HOUR and he's doing great if he can make $200 in-a-day! If we can just keep the big picture in mind and remember that our money isn't ours. It's God's, for us to take care of. If He numbers the hairs on our head, He surely knows every dollar that comes and goes. An amazing thing is we received a donation in the exact amount of Tim's retainer fee two days before it had to be sent off. And no, the donor had no idea. Yes, He knows.
The wake-up-slaps quickly turned into a boulder on our chest and bricks in our brain. The trial is all we could think about. Many sleepless nights the last 10 days. It's too close and too real. While browsing through a store on Christmas eve the words popped out at me from a shelf "Believe With All Your Heart". Once again, Lord, I'm longing to believe, but I'm scared. I want to curl up in my turtle shell and hide. How do you believe with all your heart yet prepare yourself for the worst? I've thought about this, so I'll answer my own question. You can't. You cannot prepare yourself for the worst, so all there is left to do is believe. To believe in God. A God who makes a new star every second. A God who created the whale's song. A God so Great, so Amazing, so Big, yet so Approachable!
It was early Christmas morning and my tears wouldn't stop. I cried into my carpenter's shoulder and begged him to pray for me. I looked up to see quiet tears slipping down his face. Somehow together thru whispered pleadings to our Maker we gained strength for the day. At the Christmas service the congregation sang Away In A Manger. It was beautiful.
Bless all the dear children in Thy tender care,
and take us to Heaven to live with Thee there.
Those words spoke every fiber of my aching heart. I didn't just sing them, my heart bled them.
The questions pound at my door, screaming relentless. A little girl taken from her loving Christian home where she lived from birth to 3 yrs old and sent to live with her birth dad with a criminal record..... A little boy of 4 yrs taken from a loving Christian home where he has lived since birth and given to his birth dad with a criminal record..... Two little children taken from a loving Christian couple who longed to adopt them, to be lost in the foster system forever..... All real live stories that really happened. Why Lord? Why these innocent children taking the blows of a cruel world? Why children, Lord? Letting my children go to Heaven would be easier. At least I'd know they were with our gentle Jesus. Then... quietly under the thundering questions, under the rapids of tears, so deep and so soft, I hear Him calling. Not demanding, not reprimanding, but simply calling. Calling me to a blind Faith in Him, the Creator of the stars. I hear Him calling, but can I let go of my questions? "I need to know, Lord." "Why?" "Why do bad things happen to children?" He silently tugs again. An invitation to lie limp in His hand and blindly trust. I let go. I give my questions to Him. I give our little girls to Him. And there in my Father's hand in the midst of the fiercest storm of my life I find rest.
Tuesday, Dec. 17 we had a conference call with all the parties of the case. Four attorneys and then us. Let me explain just who is part of the case. Birth mom has an attorney representing her. Agency has an attorney representing them. We communicate with these two attorneys much, tho they are not representing us, their goal is to keep the girls with us. Then paternal grandma has an attorney representing her. Birth dad has an attorney representing him. So far we are just a party pro se (unrepresented). The talk was a lot of litigation garble with large words and demands and objections. What unnerved me was the children they referred to again and again were my little girls. MY little girls totally oblivious to the turmoil around. I can hardly bear it.
January 30 and 31 will be the trial to address birth dad's termination of parental rights and birth mom's relinquishment of parental rights. We found out on the conference call that the judge may be addressing placement, too. And if he does address placement, we will find out where the girls will go, on Jan. 31. Suddenly we have a "maybe" date. We will need to be there. We will need to testify. Grandma will be there. Supposedly Grandma is bringing 40 witnesses. Birth mom will be there. Social workers. An attachment therapist. Six lawyers. All for the little lives of our little girls. It feels like some nightmare that I will surely wake up and say, "Whew, sure glad that dream wasn't real." But it is. However I do want to make it clear that it is NOT for sure that placement will be addressed on Jan. 30 and 31. We will be having a status conference with the judge on Mon. the 5th and should find out then. As long as you don't have a date, you can kind of push it off into the future and try to forget the litigation that's going on around you. Suddenly there is a "maybe" date and your whole world slaps you in the face and says, "Wake up. This is real." We felt that now was the time to hire our own attorney. The other attorneys whom we communicate with agreed. They gave a recommendation. We had a phone interview with Tim on Fri. the 20th. We were impressed. Let me tell you, friends, adoption attorneys are amazing (at least the ones we've worked with). They do not waste one word. They explain things simply yet thoroughly. They are professional yet compassionate. We have high respect for adoption attorneys. Tho Merlin still doesn't know what makes them so special that they can charge $250 per HOUR and he's doing great if he can make $200 in-a-day! If we can just keep the big picture in mind and remember that our money isn't ours. It's God's, for us to take care of. If He numbers the hairs on our head, He surely knows every dollar that comes and goes. An amazing thing is we received a donation in the exact amount of Tim's retainer fee two days before it had to be sent off. And no, the donor had no idea. Yes, He knows.
The wake-up-slaps quickly turned into a boulder on our chest and bricks in our brain. The trial is all we could think about. Many sleepless nights the last 10 days. It's too close and too real. While browsing through a store on Christmas eve the words popped out at me from a shelf "Believe With All Your Heart". Once again, Lord, I'm longing to believe, but I'm scared. I want to curl up in my turtle shell and hide. How do you believe with all your heart yet prepare yourself for the worst? I've thought about this, so I'll answer my own question. You can't. You cannot prepare yourself for the worst, so all there is left to do is believe. To believe in God. A God who makes a new star every second. A God who created the whale's song. A God so Great, so Amazing, so Big, yet so Approachable!
It was early Christmas morning and my tears wouldn't stop. I cried into my carpenter's shoulder and begged him to pray for me. I looked up to see quiet tears slipping down his face. Somehow together thru whispered pleadings to our Maker we gained strength for the day. At the Christmas service the congregation sang Away In A Manger. It was beautiful.
Bless all the dear children in Thy tender care,
and take us to Heaven to live with Thee there.
Those words spoke every fiber of my aching heart. I didn't just sing them, my heart bled them.
The questions pound at my door, screaming relentless. A little girl taken from her loving Christian home where she lived from birth to 3 yrs old and sent to live with her birth dad with a criminal record..... A little boy of 4 yrs taken from a loving Christian home where he has lived since birth and given to his birth dad with a criminal record..... Two little children taken from a loving Christian couple who longed to adopt them, to be lost in the foster system forever..... All real live stories that really happened. Why Lord? Why these innocent children taking the blows of a cruel world? Why children, Lord? Letting my children go to Heaven would be easier. At least I'd know they were with our gentle Jesus. Then... quietly under the thundering questions, under the rapids of tears, so deep and so soft, I hear Him calling. Not demanding, not reprimanding, but simply calling. Calling me to a blind Faith in Him, the Creator of the stars. I hear Him calling, but can I let go of my questions? "I need to know, Lord." "Why?" "Why do bad things happen to children?" He silently tugs again. An invitation to lie limp in His hand and blindly trust. I let go. I give my questions to Him. I give our little girls to Him. And there in my Father's hand in the midst of the fiercest storm of my life I find rest.
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