In the middle of a mess...

   I had a wonderful phone visit with the attachment expert. Before she hung up she said, "I feel the children are very lucky to be in your home." (But actually we are the lucky ones to have them in our home) Anyways..words of gold from someone who will be prominent in the L county case. Our attorney says attachment is at the core of the case. It is a well-known fact that children with too many disruptions struggle with relationships all their life. Permanency is vital for children to thrive. Our GAL is extremely positive towards us as well. We have been encouraged (and sleeping :) this last week.
  Now this: Breathe in... Breathe out... Breathe in... I talked to our attorney on Wednesday. He wondered if we knew anything about the case in F county? No, we didn't. Our girls' case is in L county. Birth dad filed for divorce in F county. So the divorce case is in F county. A divorce case includes the children. Grandma filed for custody in L county and F county. The GAL, attachment expert, all professionals with whom we have a positive relationship with, are parties of the L county case. The judge in F county could give custody over to grandma with no one else involved. Could this truly happen? Our attorney says it "shouldn't" but it "could".  Needless to say, hearing this impaled our hearts. And once again we were sent spiraling down the fear tunnel... breathe out.. breathe in.. breathe out...
  So we went to Denver on Friday to have a meeting with our attorney and a visit with the attachment expert. In the past no one has been responsible to keep us informed and up to date, which is the reason why we were never informed about the F county case. It was up to us to glean information where ever we could and we kind of got lost in the cracks. Now that we have an attorney we are learning a lot. Let me say this that we both believe we have the nicest, kindest attorney around. He is amazing. I'll try to put it in a nutshell the most important things we learned.
   Yes, we learned about this F county case, which involves our girls. This case does worry him, because... as kind as he is, to put it into his words, Grandma's attorney is a nutcase. He said more, but I'll stop there. And he is not the only attorney to have that opinion about her, unfortunately. He also does not know the judge in F county. So no, he doesn't want to freak us out (which he did already) but the F county case is a concern. We will be entering that case as intervenors on Mon..
   The next issue is, and our attorney says it is really the only legitimate argument the other side has, is this: So birthmom signed a placement agreement with the agency who in turn placed the children with us. However birth mom was not the sole legal parent and so did she have a right to do that? So is the placement agreement even valid? However beings birthdad was/is incarcerated and she felt unable to parent what option did she have? But it's part of the "other" side's argument.
    The F county judge ordered a mediation trial for this Thursday. At this time we and our attorney are planning to attend by phone. A mediation trial is typical in a divorce case. A judge orders them to try to mediate and by that I mean come to an agreement on who gets the lawn mower, the dog, etc... If they can't mediate, then it goes to trial. And yes, the children, our little girls, will be discussed at the mediation trial. Just praying that F county judge doesn't do something crazy. He "shouldn't" but he "could". Please help us pray.
   The termination and relinquishment L county trial is still set for Jan. 30 and 31. The judge has not said if he will be addressing placement at that trial or not. We've never been in a court room in our lives. We will need to testify. The other side will be allowed to question us. Terrifying to this country girl. One more reason why we need an attorney. To help these country bumpkins be somewhat educated and prepared for trial.
   So here we are. Can you believe it, dear diary, in the middle of this mess?
   When you come to the edge of all the light you know, and are about to step off into the Darkness of the Unknown, FAITH is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly. -Barbara J. Winter (one of my favorite verses)

    The day our home was filled with these 2 little girls was a day we stepped off into the Darkness of the Unknown. We knew nothing about them, but we both knew in our hearts that it was right. We are being taught how to fly. Have you ever learned how to fly? It's not easy. You crash sometimes and it hurts. Really bad. Sometimes your scared when you look at the ground. Then you look up at your Maker. You swoop up and the mountain below disappears. You look down and plummet.
   My sister texted me this verse on Friday and it meant the world to me...
            Thou art the Lord who slept upon the pillow,
            Thou art the Lord who soothed the furious sea,
            What matter beating wind and tossing billow
            If only we are in the boat with Thee?

            Hold us in quiet through the age-long minute
            While Thou art silent, and the wind is shrill:
            Can the boat sink while Thou, dear Lord, art in it?
            Can the heart faint that waiteth on Thy will?
                                           -Amy Carmichael
    We will never question the decision we made to give our hearts to these little girls. Never. Don't think it was charity. Taking a needy child into your heart and your home is not charity. It is simply giving them what is rightfully theirs in the first place. For some reason the Lord wants us right here. Right in the middle of all this crazy mess. With the risk of our heart being torn in two any day. But dear friends, dear diary, whoever you are... If the King wants us here, where else would we want to be? As we were driving home Friday night my mind went back over the last 10 mo.. Step after step, decision after decision, promise after promise, prayer after prayer, He has been there. He has touched. He wants us here. He is leading the way. He gives strength. He gives joy! Many days he even numbs so I really can't even think about it or feel the stress, but instead just live a normal day.
   Last night I prayed, "Lord, I need another touch. The road ahead looks so long. The mountains big. Please, Lord". But in my mind I thought: "Probably not this time. He doesn't just give you a touch whenever and where ever you need it. Probably not tonight." So I opened my Sunday School book and read the lesson, uninspired. Then it happened. Just before I was going to close my SS book my eyes landed directly on the key verse for the next lesson:
        The Lord is on my side; I will not fear: what can man do unto me? Psalms 118:6.
I wanted to cry. So unworthy. So dirty. So full of 'me'. Yet again and again He touches. He touches me, little me. Not that I know what these touches all mean, except that He's here and He cares.
   I feel no malice towards grandma or birth dad. Rather I feel sorry for them and really I even love them. We are not fighting them, rather we are caught in the middle of their fight with birthmom. I love birthmom, too. How I love her! I'd like to wrap my arms around her and tell her.. her worth. How Jesus died for her. And no, we don't even know her. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't been here, how deeply you can love the ones who bore your children, your precious children. The gift they gave! If grandma could just prove that she was a respectful person we would gladly have a relationship with her, but everything she does points otherwise. Maybe that will change, one never knows. How I wish it would. Then again if she was a person who was making right choices in life, birthmom would have placed the girls with her in the first place. It's such a mixed-up feeling. How someone's tragic loss is your greatest gain. How their messed-up life gives you a priceless treasure.
    O Lord Jesus, somehow in the middle of this mess help us shine, help us touch, help us point to you, The Healer.