Climbing out...

I've posted a time or 2 in the last 3 wks, but never had time to write about the deep hole we've been in. Mostly to do with a dear little girl named Addie. She started crying around 3 weeks ago and did she ever stop? Yes, she did, but it feels like rarely. She cried when she had to take a nap.  She cried when she woke up from her nap. She cried when she ate food. She cried when she had to go potty. She cried when she couldn't get her sweater on. She cried when she couldn't get it off. She wanted me to hold her all day long. She often was in her own world. When she is in her own world she will mindlessly flip the pages of a book, never looking at the pictures, for long periods of time. When she is her normal secure self she rarely does this. Half of many of her nights were torn with nightmares (the nightmares had been gone for months). After I had tucked the children in one night I heard her crying. I went up to check and she was crying...weeping... tears in her sleep. It broke my  heart. Almost every meal she would cry because she wanted to lay on the couch. We would let her. One time she went to lay on the couch and then cried because she wanted to finish her toast. So she came back and ate some more toast. She ate a fraction of the food that she normally eats. We went back and forth: Is it psychological? Is it physical? Etc... At times I was convinced it was bladder infection, but she never had fever and said it didn't hurt. Marv was sure it was psychological. I wasn't convinced. We basically deleted anything "negative" in our day and made everything "positive, positive, positive". That's not as easy as it sounds when 4 little children need frequent direction and correction. We held and held and held and hugged and hugged and hugged. That's not as easy as it sounds either when you have a household to keep up with. Independent me needed some sanctifying. At times I found it hard to have patience with the crying constantly over nothing. But was it "nothing"????? We did not know. The "not knowing" was awful. Sometimes we thought she needed firmness. Sometimes we thought she needed leniency. Sometimes we thought she needed extra love, but then at times we thought she was using her emotions to "milk" us. (During this time Isabel started complaining of an earache. She would cry and cry because her "ear hurt". I tried all the home remedies I could think of and nothing really helped. Half the day she would play happily and part of the day cry because her ear hurt. Once again, never any fever and sometimes it seemed to "hurt" at opportune times. Such as supper time or while she was having a fight with one of her sibs, etc.. But she cried so real we really did not know!:) A mind dulling, ears wailing, head aching, brain swimming time. So we went to the Dr. last week. Isabel's ears were perfect and Addie had no sign of bladder infection or any other ailment. And really since then every day has been better and closer towards the "happy normal". We have a lot clearer direction and confidence in ourselves how to help her with it after we knew that it wasn't "physical". When I think back over the last 3 weeks I really believe that Addie was grieving her loss. The loss of the 'one' who had bore her and loved her the first crucial years of her life. Many people devalue the "breaking of that bond". It is no small thing. And then I ache when I think of all the children who endure much more than the "break". 
    "Why, Lord...? Why this broken world punched through with losses? How long, Lord? How long until every baby thrives and all children sleep down the hall from a mom and dad wrapped up in love...And he takes the empty hands and draws me close to the thrum of Love. God is always good and I am always loved" -Ann Voskamp. 
    Without fully realizing it we have probably been under stress the last while and birth mom has been under tremendous stress or maybe it was just Addie's time to grieve, I don't know. She has had difficult days the last 7 months, but never a really a long period of time (this felt like months). And I'm sure it's not done, just a positive step toward healing. I often blog after a difficult time, but it sure doesn't mean that it is always so difficult! I just like to keep track of these days in our life!