Cross Bearing

Cross-bearing. Sound depressing? It's not. If Jesus helps you carry your cross, you can't even feel it. This spring I was asked, "What does cross bearing and self-denial mean to you?"
    Then said Jesus to his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross and follow me. Matthew 16:24
  I had no immediate reply, but it sent me thinking. Here in 2013 what is cross bearing? When I have it so good. Maybe it's denying myself of things I love? Maybe if I'd get rid of my horses I'd have more time for people. Maybe that would be "denying myself". What is denying myself? I think I know now and it's much deeper than horses, tho it sure can involve horses :) . For me today
  it is speaking kindly to my children when I feel like shouting,
  it is reading them a bedtime story when my body is screaming for me to "just tuck them in and get to BED",
  it is stopping my work to fix a broken toy,
  it is teaching 2 little girls how to play sweetly when I want to just "tune it OUT",
  it is trekking up the stairs another time to help a little someone on the potty,
  it is speaking in a tone calm and kind when my mouth wants to speak in a degrading "didn't you know better?" kind of tone,
  it is making that special meal for my husband when I long to just eat cold cereal,
  it is going to the door for the 5th time in 5 minutes and patiently answering the endless questions and comments of a 3 yr old playing outside when I feel like shutting myself in my peaceful QUIET bedroom.
              Self-denial is simply not thinking of myself. Simple? Yes. Easy? No.

But yes, I've been struggling. I have been in the trenches. And yes, I have been thinking of myself. My eyes have been looking in and around, but not up. The cross has been heavy. Sometimes so heavy I felt I would break under the weight of it. My mind too over-occupied to remember to ask my Father for help. I told Marv a couple weeks ago it feels like I must crucify myself every minute of every day. Someone is always needing Mama. I'm an independent person and that is not easy for me, but it IS good for me.
  Please know there are a billion mothers who's days are like mine have been, there's a billion more who do not have a loving husband to lean on, and there's probably a billion more who have no Friend in Jesus. I have so much. My life is not unique or special. I am just recounting the ups and downs of our oh-so-very-normal life.
  Some hours every 5 minutes a wail, or scream, or cry comes echoing down from upstairs. Isabel wails because Oliver is not sharing with her. Addie weeps because Isabel grabs from her. Oliver cries because Addie broke his Lego house. Violet screams because she wants Addie's doll. And my mental stability goes trip-trip-tripping out the door! I try to think of exotic solutions to the Wail, but while in the middle of the Wail, my mind is dull and blank. So I trudge up the stairs and disperse the trouble as best I can. Then stare out the window into the beautiful day and cry. The other morning I got all my stuff ready to make a dessert for our supper plans at around 9 in the morning. At 11am I finally continued making it. For 2 hours all I did was take care of and teach and train children. I would go to my kitchen to start again only to be called away by some little tyke's need. It was a bad day. Violet cried unless she was sleeping or I was holding her and the other 3 fought. I haven't written til now, because the last while has been hard and I do not want to sound like I am complaining. I truly am not. The last thing I want is sympathy. But it's the truth and I have not been living above it. I have been living in "it".
  My children brought me to it and now they are saving me from it.  Addie particularly started begging me to sing. ALL DAY LONG begging me to sing. So I often do. "Jesus Loves Me", "He's Still Workin' On Me", "This Little Light of Mine", "I Have the Joy, Joy", "The Tree Song", "Jesus Loves the Little Children", "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands" , "My God is So Big" and on and on and on... Tonight Isabel prayed totally on her own that she would have "fruits to the water" :)  ("roots going down to the water" in The Tree Song by Ken Medema)
, then of course Addie had to pray that too. We had just sang that song before I tucked them in. They had no idea what they were saying. A phrase popped in her head and yippee! it might make her prayer a little longer! But Oh dear daughters (and son) HOW I pray too that you will have "roots going down to the water and leaves going up to the Sunshine". That you become "what the Lord of trees has meant you to be.. A Strong Young Tree."